I’ve been contemplating whether or not I wanted to be completely honest about my experience with anxiety and depression and so many things were stopping me until recently. I realized that without being 100% honest with everyone who has read my blogs … I would be engaging in beliefs that no longer align with my truth and purpose. So what is my truth and purpose ? Well, my truth is to no longer allow fear to control my every move and my purpose is to intensively work on bettering myself in order to serve as a role model for those who need motivation and understanding that they too can change their lives.

So, instead of the usual worrying about what others will think of me and how they will react (fear of criticism), here is the raw truth of what really went on before I made it here…

~Two years ago, right about this time …  I was curled up in a ball on my floor, crying my eyes out, with no other thought than, I NEED THIS PAIN TO END. When I say, I was in a deep black hole, I am describing it to it’s literal definition of a deep black hole. * Just close your eyes for a second and picture yourself falling into a deep black hole while feeling all the emotional pain you have ever felt in your entire life… At that moment I knew something had to be done and for a minute … I entertained a suicidal thought. A suicidal thought that I have heard of and worked on with my clients but never had experienced by very own. A suicidal thought that gave me a sense of relief… A SUICIDAL THOUGHT THAT WAS SO REAL, IT SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

(Now before I continue, I’d like to talk about what a suicidal thought actually is. There is a difference between a suicidal thought, a suicidal plan and a suicidal attempt. Suicidal ideations are on a spectrum and it isn’t to say one is less or more serious than another. A suicidal ideation can start with a thought of, “I don’t want to kill myself but I rather not be alive”, “It would be easier if I was never born”, “I wish I wouldn’t wake up tomorrow.” A suicidal plan would be concrete planning as to How? When? Where? and an attempt would be an actual attempt.)

My suicidal thought was followed by an instant decision that something HAD to be done. Thankfully I didn’t decide to plan or attempt, but I did decide that I needed something to pull me out of my funk.

After all those years of explaining how helpful medication is to my clients, I decided to practice what I preached. I made my first appointment to a psychiatrist. Even for me, a mental health professional, It was so hard to admit and to accept that I needed MEDICATION to pull me back to “baseline.” I bet most of you are very surprised by my confession and maybe even turned off, but then theres those who feel relief, relief that there is hope. AND THERE IS HOPE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Although, I was also prescribed Xanax for when shit really hit the fan, the nature of my every day medication was not a narcotic. Whenever I tell people I took psychiatric meds, I get the same reaction … Aren’t you dependent on it now? The answer is NO! What the medication did was SAVED MY LIFE and helped me grasp healthy coping skills to live the life I deserved.

I am so GRATEFUL for that suicidal thought because if it wasn’t for that instance, I’d probably still be sad, depressed, and confused. But that one moment was so bad that it gave me no other choice but to change my life. And here I am writing this blog in a coffee shop, Monday afternoon. I am so thankful that I went through this experience because without it I wouldn’t be able to live out my PURPOSE. I truly hope that even one person reading this will have a breakthrough and realize that there is HOPE. <3

Helpful Tips :

**** If you’re having a SUICIDAL THOUGHT, don’t wait for it to become a plan. Ask for help! Tell a friend, tell a teacher, tell ME !!!! Please call 911 for immediate help ! Or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1800273TALK (8255)  Trained crisis workers are available to talk 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Your confidential and toll-free call goes to the nearest crisis center in the Lifeline national network. These centers provide crisis counseling and mental health referrals.

**** A free, confidential help line for New York City residents, LIFE NET –1-800-LIFENET (1-800-543-3638) You can call 24 hours per day/7 days per week. The hotline’s staff of trained mental health professionals help callers find mental health and substance abuse services.

**** If you’re ready to seek professional help, look for both a Psychiatrist and a Therapist (Psychologists, LMSW’S and LCSW’S). A Psychiatrist will offer you a prescription if needed and a therapist will provide therapy and hopefully strategies for your tool box of healthy coping mechanisms.

**** SHOW GRATITUDE, even at your darkest hour. <3

Love,

Yana

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